The Ambivalent Fool

There is much to be said of the written word. I've written blogs like this one before, and yet I still find myself perplexed and befuddled with amazement as I turn my thoughts to writing. I didn't get to finish any of my classes this semester, but let it be known that there was much that was going on. I wasn't too sure why I was studying, just that I knew I was. Seems like some lost kid seeking some rewards of such. But truly, what are these rewards? Are they the kind that aggrandizes my well-being, or some game to amuse the intellect? Some even marvel at the keen and acute circumspect of the intelligence. But this, and other sorts of predilectory engagements, is nothing more than a game for the mind. Why study? That is the million dollar question. I've come to some conclusions; of course, none of them satisfied my predilections. Most of the desires that occupy my mind have a tendency for hedonism. This, of course, was well imbued within my mind since I was a little boy—most of Americans, in fact, possess this "disease" of sorts. It causes the mind to ask such poignantly provocative questions: why this or that is important. The more I reflect on my "pertinent" questions is not due to irreducible certainty of fact (something that I most certainly want to achieve), but something I wish was noble. Is it noble for me to learn for the sake of provisions, or should I do it for the sake of my pleasure. In either case, they both imbue the hedonism I so vehemently disdain. What is a man to do in his justification in copious study? I believe the superlative at this point and time is supercilious. The word functions as an adverb as well as an adjective. It could also be a noun, but suffice it to remain an adjective. It reminds me of my total indifference towards this subject. But this word alone does not do the job as superlative aside from its adverbial use of "most": I am most supercilious. This is the contemptuous indifference of my spirit, but there isn't an object of which I am arrogant for. It increases my ambivalence. It creates it, churns the ambivalent uncertainty of my goals.